Cel mai bun prieten…

Pauzele lungi si dese — cheia marilor succese… e scuza perfecta uneori, cand o spui cu un zambet complice ori inocent pentru a te sustrage de la o anumita activitate. Eu insa, ma resimt. Sunt nervoasa, morocanoasa, nu pot dormi ori nu ma pot trezi chiar cand am ceva de facut  (ceva ce imi doresc!), nu am energie… Iar discutiile telefonice despre ce imi place sau ce as vrea sa incerc nu ma ajuta. Nici planurile pentru saptamana viitoare. In plus, am un sertar intreg cu lenjerii, costume, masti si alte accesorii care imi fac imaginatia sa zburde in loc sa imi dea un imbold pentru a le aranja.

Vorbesc mai vulgar ca niciodata. Sa te fut!, Ei… pula!  si Pizda ma-tii! sunt la ordinea zilei. Ca sa nu mai vorbim de Du-te-n pula mea!… Pentru fiecare exista o replica… Promiti?, Ce ai cu biata mea mama? ori As vrea… Era cald si bine… Intotdeauna am avut raspuns pentru orice. Chiar si pentru intrebarea Ai? Si da, am! Mai multe… Sunt colorate… Ma asteapta cuminti in sertarul cu lenjerie. Preferata mea e roz, si nu pentru ca imi place culoarea, ci pentru ca e prima… si rezista la apa!

Nu sunt obsedata. Sau… Eu nu cred asta. Prefer un barbat. Intotdeauna am preferat un barbat, dar nu orice barbat. Si, daca nu ies, nu il pot gasi iar cel pe care il vreau acum e departe.

Apa calda… Gel de dus… Piele alba… Spuma mai alba… Un parfum de care imi era dor… Un prieten roz si amintiri… dorinte… Intotdeauna m-a enervat bazaitul nenorocit dar acum il ignor. Am nevoie… Ochii inchisi ma ajuta sa traiesc mai intens. Atat de intens incat nu mai aud nimic, nu mai vreau nimic… Nu ii spun altcuiva de data aceasta sa nu se opreasca — eu stiu cel mai bine ce vreau si ce imi place si stiu ca nu vreau sa o fac.

Apa calda… Gel de dus… Piele alba… Spuma mai alba… Parfumul ce nu stiam ca imi lipsea… Sterg oglinda aburita pentru a vedea un zambet si ochii ce imi stralucesc. Acum sunt calma!

Frica

Nu am crezut vreodata ca imi poate fi atat de frica incat sa nu pot reactiona, sa nu ascult cand cineva imi spune ce sa fac — cineva care sunt constienta ca are mai multa experienta decat mine, care m-a asigurat ca sunt in siguranta dar, se pare, in anumite conditii intru in panica si… desi as vrea sa tip, inghet!

Pe Sebastien l-am cunoscut virtual acum atat de mult timp incat nici nu mai stiu cum s-a intamplat. Am primit multe invitatii din partea lui si de multe ori m-am autoinvitat, dar intotdeauna intervenea ceva… Vremea nu era de partea mea… Programul imi era dat peste cap… Dar, intr-un final, m-am alaturat lui si prietenilor lui pentru o evadare din plictiseala ce a dominat ultima saptamana.

Nu va ganditi la mai mult decat s-a intamplat! Sebastien reprezinta jumatate din Evadeaza cu noi iar propunerea a fost sa imi inving frica, desi nu sunt o fire sportiva, si sa incerc sa escaladez un perete intr-un mediu controlat, fara pericole (altele, in afara mintii mele, ce functioneaza total diferit de cea a pustiului de 12 ani care a reusit sa ajunga pana sus de 4 ori, spre deosebire de mine). E drept, mi-e frica de inaltime — intru in panica, mai bine spus, nu mai am o conditie fizica ce sa imi permita sa nu sufar chiar si dupa ce m-am catarat un metru, dar nu ma dau batuta. In ianuarie voi reveni, si poate voi reusi sa ajung cu jumatate de metru mai sus — daca ma primesc, dupa ce am tipat ca o pustoaica speriata ‘Vreau jos!’

 

Inapoi in Bucuresti

Nu mi-a fost dor si nici nu stiu daca imi va fi dor vreodata sa ma intorc. Am lasat o parte din mine de unde am plecat si am luat ceva cu mine, desi mi-am lasat toate bagajele intr-o camera de hotel.

Mult timp nu am publicat, iar asta pentru ca mi-a fost greu sa o fac atunci cand eram alaturi de cel de care m-am indragostit. Nu sunt ipocrita! Nu mi-am dorit. Chiar am facut tot posibilul sa nu se intample dar… cu totii stim ce se intampla cand iti spui ca nu te vei gandi la un elefant albastru…

Stiu ca niciodata nu ii voi fi sotie. Nu ii sunt iubita. Sa fiu amanta nu cred ca mi se potriveste. Si nu, nu ii pot da un titlu, desi mi-ar fi usor. Pot spune doar ca e mai mult decat un prieten. E cel cu care imi impart pranzul, macar trimitandu-i o fotografie. E cel pe care il sun cand vreau sa spun cuiva ca sunt fericita sau trista. E cel care imi spune ‘Buna dimineata’ si ‘Noapte buna’ indiferent unde sunt. Si il iubesc, chiar si atunci cand arunc cu tot ce am in preajma in el sau cand il ard cu tigara fiindca ma provoaca ori il musc doar pentru ca il urasc atat de tare incat vreau sa simta asta.

Iar acum imi lipseste. Mi-e dor sa il simt langa mine, sa il mangai, sa il aud spunandu-mi ca ma iubeste cand abia poate respira… Sa ii spun sa nu se opreasca in timp ce unghiile mele i se infig parca fara voia mea in piele lasandu-i urme pe care le observ abia a doua zi…

M-am schimbat mult. Traiesc totul mult mai intens. Nu mai sunt galagioasa. Mi-a spus chiar ca sunt timida… si incep sa cred ca am devenit asa, desi inca nu stiu motivul. Ce ma surprinde insa e ca, desi ma plictisesc repede, acum e singurul barbat pe care il vreau langa mine si singurul pe care nu il pot avea aici.

I’m back!

I didn’t disappear. I didn’t die either. And no, I didn’t stop writing. I just couldn’t publish. But I’m back! I guess I’ll be as busy as St Nicholas tonight checking the spelling in my lasts notes and getting ready my present for someone special for me. But all that after dinner!

Until then, this is my present — the first picture I publish here! It’s a proof that we all can face our fears and trust someone else from time to time. And, also, a proof that I can fly!

As a sign of respect

Lately it’s not just about sex. I want something more. I need something more than that. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling lonely, or because I’m remembering the same period of the last year and I’m comparing it with this one, or because I’m getting bored and more capricious with the time… I don’t know why, but I know I need someone with whom I can be no matter how I am — happy, sad, chatty, grumpy, drunk, sleepy, laughing — and who knows me in all my moods, not just in one. People around me know me being either a crazy bitch or a friendly blonde — when I’m sad I’m just staying home until the mood passes by itself or I’m drowning it in vodka while suffocating with cigarettes smoke.

So that’s why I refused to play in the playground of the only man who saw me in all my moods and understands I like him, but I can’t be one man’s woman. He knows how I am and he can easily figure out what I’m doing in my free time, but doesn’t ask and I love that — being myself, with no questions which won’t receive an answer or at least not an answer that someone wants to hear it. I am a mean crazy bitch, but even for me that would cross my limits if involves someone I care and whom I’m asking to respect me.

With these being said… I hope not to be disappointed again because if you know me enough you know how sweet is my revenge and the treatment of silent is by far the best of all for everyone involved.

Thursday’s night P.S.

I was having a drink while texting alone, at the bar. A guy came and tried to talk with me but I was so pissed off that I told him it won’t work so it’s better to go somewhere else. Even though, he seemed to refuse to do that, staying near me and not saying anything.

– An orange juice and a pineapple one, please! I heard

I looked at the one who was just sitting next to me at the bar and I smiled. I can’t remember his name or how we started to talk, but I know I enjoyed the conversation. He was telling me things I didn’t know about this place, I was trying to remember the places I visited in Portugal — which is his friend’s country — we all were talking about Costa del Sol’s beaches and what you can do there.

The time just flew while my drinks were disappearing. The next thing I know was that I was texting in the car, ran out of battery and trying to find a place to plug in the phone before starting to talk about hangovers, differences between USA and UK English, religion, literature, relationships and politics, while having my black tea, followed by the carnivores’ dinner.

At one point I don’t know how I promised him to try to sleep with him, even if I know I can’t, no matter how much I try. But I’m trying to keep my promises so here I was, naked in a to big white bed, with my head on his chest, watching a movie with thieves, when I heard him snoring. I closed my eyes but I was still hearing the actors’ lines. The movie ended, finally, and when the commercials started I just stand up, looked for my clothes, got dressed and tried to find a piece of paper. I didn’t see any so I left him a message on the room key:

05……..

Clara

PS: I couldn’t fall asleep!

I closed the door and texted ‘I’m coming home! Want something?’, got lost again, and finally, looked for the one who answered ‘Just you!’ but I didn’t find anyone awake…

 

While you were sleeping…

When I realized he fell asleep almost instantaneous I started laughing — I thought I’m the only one who can do that. I turned off the lights and the TV, turned on the AC, smoked a cigarette, turned off the AC, checked my messages, smoked another cigarette, turned on the AC again because of the smoke, turned it off after… and after an hour I started to ask myself what am I doing?

I arranged the pillows. Rearranged them. I couldn’t find a comfortable position. When I finally got it I remembered how amusing can be watching someone sleeping and, unfortunately, how much I like it — that was the only reason which made me not to go and leave him a few words on a piece of paper signed ‘CB’ even if I’m a master on snicking outside and not answering on the phone or mumbling something like ‘I couldn’t sleep so I left’ when a pissed off voice is asking me where am I.

So, finally, I embraced him and closed my eyes. I remember I was dreaming, which is unusual for me when I’m with someone else, but still felt him waking up. I thought at least an hour passed but… checking the time… I actually slept for less than a half. Even though, it was better than nothing, which is what I usually do!